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Men versus women

Men are nicotine-soaked, beer-besmirched, whiskey-greased, red-eyed devils. - Carrie Nation

Very few men would fall in love if they had never read about it. - La Rochefoucauld, quoted in The Harbourmaster, William McFee, 1931

"It is wrong to kill boys; if it were not wrong I'm sure very few of them would live to grow up. And a person doesn't wish to be hanged for taking the lives of boys." - diarist, Sand 'N' Bushes, Maria Louise Pool review

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

It's a condescending thing, Dear. You wouldn't understand.

In brief, she assumed that, being a man, I was vain to the point of imbecility, and this assumption was correct, as it always is. - H.L. Mencken

American women expect to find in their husbands the perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers. - W. Somerset Maugham

Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity to be otherwise. - Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends. - Ben Franklin

If Jack's in love, he's no judge of Jill's beauty. - Ben Franklin

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. - HL Mencken

He marries best who puts it off until it is too late. - HL Mencken

Suicide is a belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives. - HL Mencken

Misogynist - A man who hates women as much as women hate one another. - HL Mencken

A man's women folk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity. His most gaudy sayings and doings seldom deceive them; they see the actual man within, and know him for a shallow and pathetic fellow. In this fact, perhaps, lies one of the best proofs of feminine intelligence, or, as the common phase makes it, feminine intuition. - HL Mencken

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. - HL Mencken

When my love swears that she is made of truth, I do believe her, though I know she lies. - Shakespeare

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce

It requires only two things to win credit for a miracle: a mountebank and a number of silly women. - Marquis de Sade

I know many married men, I even know a few happily married men, but I don't know one who wouldn't fall down the first open coal hole running after the first pretty girl who gave him a wink. - George Jean Nathan (1882-1958)

The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces. - Maureen Murphy

§

one-liners from "Murphy":

Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

Never argue with a women when she's tired or rested.

Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women like to be a man's last romance.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

§

A beauty is a woman you notice; A charmer is one who notices you. - Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)

Women prefer men who have something tender about them -- especially the legal kind. - Kay Ingram

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. - Dave Barry

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest. - Roseanne Barr

When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. - Rita Rudner

Wild horses couldn't drag a secret out of a woman. However, women seldom have lunch with wild horses. - Ivern Boyett

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing. - Sean Williamson

When we abolish the slavery of half of humanity, together with the whole system of hypocrisy it implies, then the "division" of humanity will reveal its genuine significance and the human couple will find its true form. - Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex (1950)

Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilt and I'll show you a man. - Erica Jong

I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute. - Rebecca West

Nymphomaniac: someone who has more sex than you do. - Alfred Kinsey

Studying in the solitude of the mountains is not equal to sitting at the cross-roads and listening to the talk of men. - S.G. Champion

Or sitting at a picnic, listening to women. - Anne Zeilstra

For those who believe the feminist revolution is over, a glance around the world reveals a sobering reality. If poverty, misery, and the failure of democracy mark much of the world, we have a great deal to fear....Whether it's kidnapped young woman in China or the powerless woman in a society that follows strict Islamic law, women have growing reason to fear for their rights in much of the world. - Caryl Rivers, Boston Globe, Feb 24 2002


Kids:

I child-proofed my home, but they still manage to get in.

Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they will find you in next. - Henry Ward Beecher

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. - Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

The visual system develops slowly. Small children are not yet able to see dirt. - Daily Whale

If you cannot swallow a piece of food, turn around discreetly and throw it somewhere. - Erasmus, On Civility in Children

Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children. - Sam Levinson.

Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off. - Ralph Bus.

There are few things more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own. - Doug Larson.

I like children -- fried. - WC Fields.

Everytime a child says, 'I don't believe in fairies', there's a a little fairy somewhere that falls down dead. - JM Barrie.

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. - Quentin Crisp.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. - Groucho Marx.

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away. - Nancy Mitford.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. - Bill Cosby.

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. - Jim Bishop.

Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food and tyrannise their teachers. - Socrates.

No wonder people are so horrible when they start life as children. - Kingsley Amis.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. - Emo Philips.

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble, as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat. - Fran Lebowitz.

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. -  Fran Lebowitz

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. -  Fran Lebowitz

Children ask better questions than adults. "May I have a cookie?" "Why is the sky blue?" and "What does a cow say?" are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than "Where's your manuscript?" Why haven't you called?" and "Who's your lawyer?" - Fran Lebowitz

"If, in any culture, children are taught, ´We are all equally unworthy in the sight of God´ -
"If, in any culture, children are taught, ´You are born in sin and are sinful by nature´ -
"If children are given a message that amounts to ´Don´t think, don´t question, *believe*´ -
"If children are given a message that amounts to ´Who are you to place your mind above that of the priest, the minister, the rabbi?´ -
"If children are told, ´If you have value it is not because of anything you have done or could ever do, it is only because God loves you´ -
"If children are told, ´Submission to what you cannot understand is the beginning of morality´ -
"If children are instructed, ´Do not be "willful", self-assertiveness is the sin of pride´ -
"If children are instructed, ´Never think that you belong to yourself´ -
"If children are informed, ´In any clash between your judgement and that of your religious authorities, it is your authorities you must believe´, -
"If children are informed, ´Self-sacrifice is the foremost virtue and the noblest duty´ -
"- then *consider what will be the likely consequences for the practice of living consciously, or the practice of self-assertiveness, or any of the other pillars of healthy self-esteem*."

- Nathaniel Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, Bantam Books, (New York, 1994), p. 295-296

Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion-picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success.  - Fran Lebowitz

Children do not really need money. After all, they don't have to pay rent or send mailgrams. Therefore their allowance should be just large enough to cover chewing gum and an occasional pack of cigarettes. A child with his own savings account and/or tax shelter is not going to be a child who scares easy... - Fran Lebowitz

Do not elicit your child's political opinions. He doesn't know any more than you do. - Fran Lebowitz

Do not allow your children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth. - Fran Lebowitz

Think before you speak. Read before you think. This will give you something to think about that you didn't make up yourself–a wise move at any age, but most especially at seventeen, when you are in the greatest danger of coming to annoying conclusions. -  Fran Lebowitz

Try to derive some comfort from the knowledge that if your guidance counselor were working up to his potential, he wouldn't still be in high school. -  Fran Lebowitz

The teen years are fraught with any number of hazards, but none so perilous as that which manifests itself as a tendency to consider movies an important art form. If you are presently, or just about to be, of this opinion, perhaps I can spare you years of unbearable pretension by posing this question: If movies (or films, as you are probably now referring to them) were of such a high and serious nature, can you possibly entertain even the slightest notion that they would show them in a place that sold Orange Crush and Jujubes? -  Fran Lebowitz