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science & education
one-liners and bumper stickers


It's a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable; it's a lot wrong to say it's a suspension bridge. - Sheldon Cooper

The Religious Right. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. - unknown

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. - Douglas Adams (1952-2001)

It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding it. - Upton Sinclair

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. - Plato

There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action. - Goethe

'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open one's mouth and remove all doubt. - Samuel Johnson

A great many open minds should be closed for repairs. - Toledo Blade

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. - William James

Nobody ever went broke by underestimating the intelligence or taste of the American public. - HL Mencken and/or PT Barnum

Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity. - Nick Diamos

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein

Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference. - unknown

Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it. - Henry David Thoreau

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

I have great faith in fools; My friends call it self-confidence. - Edgar Allen Poe

The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. - Frank Zappa

Stupidity has a certain charm -- ignorance does not. - Frank Zappa

The next time I send a damn fool on an errand, I'll go myself. - Dan Stole

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to stay, abstains from giving us worthy evidence of the fact. - George Eliot

Why do most people think their own impoverished lives must be the norm of the universe? - Poul Anderson

Dullard: Someone who looks up a thing in the encyclopedia, turns directly to the entry, reads it, and then closes the book. - Philip Jose Farmer

A certain combination of incompetence and indifference can cause almost as much suffering as the most acute malevolence. - Bruce Catton, A Stillness at Appomattox, (1953)

A man didn’t understand how televisions work, and was convinced that there must be lots of little men inside the box, manipulating images at high speed. An engineer explained about high-frequency modulations of the electromagnetic spectrum, transmitters and receivers, amplifiers and cathode ray tubes, scan lines moving across and down a phosphorescent screen. The man listened to the engineer with careful attention, nodding his head at every step of the argument. At the end he pronounced himself satisfied. He really did now understand how televisions work. “But I expect there are just a few little men in there, aren’t there?” —  Douglas Adams

Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice.

Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

It has been said that thousands of monkeys banging on keyboards would produce the complete works of Shakespeare. The internet has proven this to be untrue.

You can fool too many of the people too much of the time. - James Thurber

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle. -- Woody Allen

  "She's a witch!"
"A witch? How do you know she's a witch?"
"She turned me into a newt!"
"A newt?"
"Uh . . . I got better."
- Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Bumper stickers, one-liners, etc:
(many from Steven Wright)

... when your gal ain't just a dish, she's a whole set of china ... (just a line that I like from a song )

Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy, and taste good with ketchup.

If Jesus was Jewish why does he have a Mexican name?

Any book worth banning is a book worth reading.

The only problem with Baptists is they don't hold them under long enough.

Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. - G.B. Shaw

When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes. - Henry Miller

America: The Land of Opportunism

Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. - David Moulton

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

If electricity is produced by electrons, is morality produced by morons?

Gravity - It's not just a good idea, it's the Law! - NASA briefing slide

Ignorance killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.

Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies. - Adrienne Gusoff

Hell is other people. - Jean-Paul Sartre

Christmas is at our throats again. - Noel Coward, annual holiday card

I don't know whether the world is run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. - Steven Wright

Despite the high cost of living it remains a popular item. - unknown

Life's a whore and I'm broke.

Ever notice that fifteen minutes into a Jerry Lewis telethon you start rooting for the disease? - Jim Sherbert

Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything. - Charles Kuralt

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. - Robert Benchley

I know only two tunes: one of them is "Yankee Doodle" and the other one isn't. - Ulysses S. Grant

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I'm right. - Moliere

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. - Fred Allen

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. - Jeff Marder

They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it. - Gracie Allen

A rabbi, a priest, and a duck walked into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, "What is this? A joke?"

Do I mind if you smoke? I don't give a shit if you burn to the ground!

Sign on a Child Psychologist's door:
"We have always been dependent on the strangeness of kinder."

Smoking areas in restaurants are like peeing areas in swimming pools.

What is originality? Undetected plagiarism.

Consistency is the last resort of the unimaginative.

Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing.

The cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. - Oscar Wilde?

Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings. - George F. Will, 1994

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

BTW A 24 week old embryo is not a human being. You're not a human being until you're in my phone book. - Bill Hicks

Life is sexually transmitted.

If people were meant to go around naked, they would have been born that way. - Playboy

It's hard to work in groups when you're omnipotent. - Q., Star Trek, the Next Generation

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. - Douglas Adams

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn't looking good either.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

Others often better express myself.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Given a fifty-fifty chance, you will be wrong 90% of the time.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A good scapegoat is hard to find.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

"Criminal lawyer" is a redundancy.

Everything above is a true statement, for sufficiently false values of true.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy, blue-green meat is bad for you.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?


One-liners regarding the former governor of Texas:

My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President

Disney gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo


Katherine Harris

Don't throw away your vote... Let Katherine Harris do it for you



The election can't be broken. We just fixed it.

Bush, Junior - the President Quayle we never had.

Any other whore in 2004.

no W - Let's not elect him in 2004, either.

Regime change begins at home.

More trees. Less Bush